“You think you have a weird life, well I got you beat. Hi my name is Mike Hanson, I am a thirteen year old boyscout ninja, as I like to call myself, and, most crazily, I have discovered the norse Gods… of the bears, and they are not what you think they’d be.”
“I used to walk through the woods near my house here in northwest Montana without a care in the world, outside of surprise wolf dinner socials, buffalo gas parties, aggressive bear hugs. and overly attached mountain lions that were just to “die” for. Well, on one occasion I stumbled into the thickest part of the woods which the forest rangers had warned me not to go in since I was young, and it changed my life forever.”
“When I say stumbled that’s not really what happened because I was really running away, screaming my heart out, from a pack of vicious wolves. I jumped into the hole between rocks that led me into the heart of the forest otherwise known as Mid-Guard, so known because you had to guard your middle to clear the rocks. I soon found myself alone because the wolves seemed to be afraid of this place. It looked normal enough to me, just a little dark, so I pulled out my flashlight and continued forward still gasping for air.”
“I came out of the narrow valley to an old wooden bridge crossing an oddly green glowing river. Also oddly colored was the bridge which was covered with every color of the rainbow but only out of bear paws and it really didn’t cover all of it; but it did look like the responsible parties tried their best and that was good enough for me. I took a couple of steps across when suddenly a deep voice called out, “WHO GOES THERE?”
“I looked around to find a very fat bear laying on its back struggling to get up, but it was odd in a way because it was wearing old car metal and tin trash cans as armor. It shifted its head around because it was still trying to figure out how to do a sit up when it spotted me and miraculously shouted at me, “YOU GOES THERE! WHO ARE YOUS?”
“Who am Is? I mean I? Who, what was he. I noticed that he wasn’t going anywhere in a hurry so I continued on past him as if we had never met. It grunted loudly at first but as I stepped out of eyesight all I could make out was bear snores. What a weird grove this place was. I walked into a large clearing with just a massive fireplace that didn’t go exactly up or over, or anywhere at all, and that’s when I noticed I wasn’t alone and that tasers hurt a lot.”
“I woke up to the oddest looking bear yet! It was a huge 10 foot grizzly bear, wearing two blue Volkswagon hoods modified into armor, a mangled mess of old spaghetti as a wig, and carried a small sledgehammer painted red. This was-”
“I am BJORN THOR and you are trespassing in Asgaurd! No Bjorn Valkyries have carried your to Bjorn Valhalla so why are you here, unless you want to challenge me to a fight? Which I gladly accept!”
“After screaming for five minutes straight I told him who I was and how I got there, thats when they laughed at me for thirty minutes straight. He was joined by a dozen other bears, all dressed appropriately whatever that was, and they laughed as well. On three different occasions one bear or another would fall over from laughing and would have to be helped back up by one or two others.”
“Eventually it died down enough for an older looking man to run into the clearing with visible claw marks on its face and back. I recognized this man as one of the park Rangers who had warned me to never come into this grove years ago as a five year old.”
“Ranger Roy? What are you doing-”
“The huge bears immediately started growling. Bjorn Thor picked up Ranger Roy, gingerly for a bear I guess, and asked him ‘What Happened?”
“They have escaped from their mountain cave again and have wandered into… the… the Lake Cabins!!!”
“What are the JotunBjorn?”
“They are a scurge from olden times, like 1998, and they eat everything leaving nothing for normal bear kind! And I protect bear kind!”
“Mike Hanson? I told you never to come into this place!”
“The old man looked steamed but not nearly as much as Bjorn Thor and he for some reason took an odd kinship to me, or at least I gathered that from his forcibly snatching me up into his armpit and took off back onto the path I just came from. As odd as it was it wasn’t unpleasant and Bjorn Thor actually smelled good, like honey.”
“We moved faster than I had ever witnessed a bear move through the woods until we came to the edge of the Lake and found something that I wouldn’t ever want to witness –It was twenty foot fat black bears and they sure were hungry. A few were climbing into the water and literally sucking all the water, plus the fish into its stomach, another was eating whole trees in hopes of getting a few stray raccoons. Bjorn Thor wasn’t happy.”
“Hey JOTUNBJORN!” Bjorn Thor yelled out and all of the huge bears looked at him with fear, almost all of them farted in distress. “You will all die here today if you do not return to your cave!”
“I beg to differ son of Bjorn Odin!” A massive 31 foot black bear climbed over a house and looked down on us. “You going to tell me to go home too?”
“I was hoping you were around because I have a lightning bolt with your name all over it!” Bjorn Thor said laughing at the much larger bear.
“You cannot control lightning or storms or anything else-” The massive bear stopped speaking when a drop of rain hit its nose. It looked up to find a massive storm was setting in. “How?”
“Like this!” Bjorn Thor said as he dropped me from his arm pit, jumped up, and landed a huge Bear Kick into the much larger Bears crotch.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” I screamed for the massive bear flying into the mountains, but as he was going Bjorn Thor said “Watch This.” And he threw his sledge hammer at the flying bear and just out of eyesight we could see a massive lightning bolt we strike and heard a loud growl of pain from that direction.
“Anyone else?” Bjorn Thor asked as the fat, huge, bears took off into the mountains and back into their caves. Well that was six years ago and it has gotten even weirder than that as I have become one of them, but that is another story for a different time.